The Listenary

Here in these articles, we have looked at two keys to communication.

First, we noted the need to Listen More, and how we don't get much formal training in listening compared to other modes of communication like reading and writing. We called this special part of communication by several names: listening as a gift, mere listening, calm connecting, quiet presence.

Second, we explored the power in Saying "I," the honesty in it, the ability to decrease defensiveness and actually get to the bottom line in what we want in life. I gave you a formula for creating I-statements when the communication situation gets difficult, when you feel under pressure of some sort.

This completes the Part One of the Communication Training. If you read and try out everything posted so far on this website, you will have a good idea of the principles I teach that will dramatically increase the beneficial impact and results of your communication.

Part Two will examine various categories of situations and the different strategies required to implement these principles. We will examine them from the easiest and simplest to the more difficult and more dangerous, and we will discover how to use these keys to communication to open difficult doors.

I will list the categories here which I intend to explore. Please don't at this time try to categorize either a specific situation or some specific person. I will give you analytical tools for this as we proceed.

We will begin with simple diversity, where two or more people run into pronounced diversity among them regarding preferences and habits in work, leisure, activities, gestures, words, personal space, etc. These can cause great misunderstandings and even ignite feuds if not dealt with early and clearly. We will take steps to build awareness and strategies for handling this kind of difficult communication.

We wil examine communication ignorance, where the person you talk with has no clue about the things we've been learning here. This person may break any of the rules we have learned, and may not even understand why that matters. He or she may seem bigoted, beligerent, or arrogant when really he or she simply doesn't know any better and doesn't try to learn any better. Sometimes I use the work "jerk" for that person. We will study assertiveness skills and integrate into them the principles we've studied so far for powerful presence in the midst of ignorance.

Then we will look at real conflict where, after exploring the possibility of simple diversity, we discover that indeed one person or group of persons (party) needs or wants the very same scarce resource that another party needs or wants. This is differentiated from mere diversity by the notice that there are indeed scarce resources claimed by each party. Unless dealt with calmly, this can escalate into something much worse. Wars are fought over scarce resources! We will study conflict management skills and learn to do research in calm ways, and develop win-win solutions for all parties.

Next we will move into the more dangerous situations. We will look at verbal abuse learning to discern the reasons for its power and deflate it. We will examine anxious systems which in their corporate atmosphere perpetuate anxiety and its various forms of passive-aggressive behaviors; we will gain tools to stand apart in personal power. We will finish off with a look at antagonists, more difficult than mere hecklers for sure, and we will look for ways to keep safe.

Truly, communication is a complicated thing, and an ongoing learning experience. Your comments are invited. Your persistence will be rewarded.

Yes, stress can kill you! More germaine to our conversation here, stress can kill communication. So, you've got a tough communication situation coming up and your really do want to do well in it although your track record may not be so good. Here are three things to do immediately, on the spot, to lessen the effect of stress on your performance.

First, Stop! Stop what you're doing. Stop running. Stop the racing thoughts. One minute of silence won't disrupt your day. Stop the words flowing out of your mouth. Just stop. Take snapshots of what is around you. Are other people shouting? perspiring? screwing up their faces? punching the air? Is there something on the floor? the table? Take still pictures with your eyes, no need to process them now, just capture the picture.

Stop breathing. Yes, I did say that. Stop breathing. In stress the body takes in extra oxygen for energy in case you need to run away.  All that extra oxygen stays pent up in portions of the lungs you're not using at the moment. Furthermore, the body tightens down on the blood vessels to unneeded parts of your body, like the stomach and the head, so your big muscles will have more blood and nutrients and energy. No wonder you might feel sick to your stomach or not be able to process clearly what's going on. So stop breathing. You can count the seconds if you wish, but 40 seconds is not too long. Simply stop in mid-breath or after exhaling, no blown-out cheeks, no tightened throat, just stop. When you need a new breath simply take it; this new breath might be an un-forced, naturally deep and large breath. These few seconds you stole from stress gave your face, throat, and voice a much appreciated rest. These few seconds let your body use up some of the extra oxygen in your lungs, and thereby clean it and your lungs of poisons stored there from all the stress. These few seconds let your body open blood supply to your brain and your stomach so you feel stronger and think more clearly. Do this whenever you feel stressed or frightened. You can do it several times in a row or wait until the next moment you begin to feel overwhelmed. After your huge event when your body seems all tense, you can use this method to bring relaxation. It works!

Second, Smile! Smile at yourself because you really are the awesome person who will get through this situation well. Smile at the world because it really is bigger than this situational slice. Smile at the other person. Okay, perhaps you want to keep this smile to yourself rather than irritate an already-irritated person. Consciously cause a smile. You can do it.

Smile in your eyes. Many smiles don't reach the eyes. On the other hand, it is possible to smile only with the eyes. Try it, looking in your mirror. Think of someone you love dearly or look forward to with eagerness. Notice how tight and bright your eyes look when you smile toward that favored person or event. Your eyeball muscles tighten, which in turn tightens the conjunctiva, the white skin of your eyeball, which in turn causes the outer edge of the cornea to curve and reflect the light in bright ways. All this muscle action increases blood flow to these muscles and the tissue around them--ah, yes, the brain! More brain nutrients in the increased blood flow means better instantaneous thought. It works!

Third, Strategize. Stop! and Smile! need take only a minute. Now you may return to the situation to decide your best strategy. Is more listening needed? Perhaps more behaviors that show that you're listening? Do you need to say "I"? Is there something you can say right now to move he conversation where it needs to go?

Strategize differently for different situations. In the next several articles, I will examine various difficult communication situations: diversity, ignorance, conflict, abuse, anxiety, and antagonism. In each case will discover strategies that work.

So in Stress, Stop! Smile! and Strategize! Kill now stress's negative impact on your performance.