The Listenary

Finding a listener is finding a gift. A listener who will listen not to reply or manipulate, but purely to understand is a powerful gift. Steven Covey said this kind of listening provides "psychological air" (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1989), 241). Some of us are panting for this breath of fresh air that a listener can bring. Here are some tips to help you find such a listener, with the acronym PANT.

Place yourself. Think of places where people who could do this might congregate. Twelve-step meetings? Church? Walking trail? Therapist? Then go there! Please don't expect your spouse or child or parent to be able always to do this for you. Especially during a trauma that affects the whole family, others in the family are needing their own special listener and may not have capacity to give the gift to others until they get their own breath of fresh air.

Ask for it. After you've watched the other people in your chosen venue, pick out a few that you think give the gift of listening to others. While watching them, ask yourself what is it that you really want in a listener. This step is important, because you must be clear about what you need and don't need. If you don't get clarity here, you WILL attach yourself to another draining relationship. Then ask specifically for what you want. Take that person to lunch, and ask point blank if that person will enter into a listening relationship with you. Then be quiet and listen!

Notice nonverbals. Yes, your nonverbal communication matters even in asking for a listener. You need a no-nonsense, contractual poise. If you allow yourself the feeling of trying to control or manipulate to get what you need, that feeling will manifest itself in your actions and will be read loud and clear. The other person must feel totally free to make the choice. The feeling you want to come through is that there is hope for you and that this person may choose to be a part of that hope.

Take turns. Once you've stated your request, give evidence that you know how to listen in the same way you request. This is where you must use your Five Quick Tips to Better Listening. You may feel desperate to have the listening come your way, but swallow that feeling for this encounter and listen to this person you have chosen. You will learn huge amounts of information that will help you develop or not develop this relationship in the future.

I asked without knowing all these how-to tips, and received two important listeners at a very critical time in my life. One was a therapist, found after many disappointing starts with various therapists or professionals. One I met in a college class and arranged for us to walk our dogs together before I asked for a listener. These two and others since have brought me the breath of fresh air when I was panting for it. You can find a listener for yourself.