Yes, there are times when you need to say "you," even in I-statements made under pressure. I invite you to write out sentences following the formula described here before you try to make your own. In this present article, I want to explore the ". . . when you . . ." section of the formula. I will share with you some cautions to take with the use of that often volatile word "you," especially volatile in communication under pressure.
Notice that the ". . . when you . . ." comes after the "I feel . . ." in the formula I gave you. Indeed, reversing these two elements does not much damage to effective communication. I simply wanted us to deal with the feeling first, and I find it makes a stronger beginning. What you feel is your honesty showing; what you feel is irrefutable, inarguable; what you feel is what must be faced and dealt with by you and the other person. This second section of the I-statement formula reaches back to the feeling to describe what triggers the feeling in you.
Notice also that what comes after ". . . when you . . ." is purposely called a "behavior phrase." I've listed some sample behavior phrases here. I'd like you to search deeply within yourself to discover exactly what specific behavior triggers the feeling you identified.
Specific. The description you're looking for is of a specific behavior. If it's a non-verbal element like rolling the eyes, name it; bring the non-verbals into verbal status. If it's a cluster of behaviors that fit together, you can name the cluster if you're quite sure the other person will recognize the name and understand it as a specific cluster of behaviors. Don't take shortcuts like "when you act that way," or "when you talk to me that way." Name the specific action or the specific tone of voice or other behavior that triggers the feeling you named.
Simple. Yes, this can be done in a few words! Do not go on an on. Think first so you don't have to continue adding onto the description throughout the hour, or throughout the day. And never include the words "never" or "always" in a "you" section of a sentence. Can you hear the shackles and prison bars in sentences like, "You never watch where you're going," or "You always look away when I talk to you"? Simple behavior descriptions require thought and deep honesty to discover the connection between behavior and the feeling that alerts you to the behavior.
Not the Subject. Let's keep some cautions in place for the use of the word "you." Don't start the sentence with "you," else it will automatically sound like an accusation to be defended against rather than a description to be faced. Don't make "you" the subject of the primary clause of the sentence. Using "when" in front of "you" subjugates the clause to secondary status whether you say it at the beginning or in the middle of the sentence. Again, the point is the feeling this behavior generates in you; this must remain in primary focus, the subject of the pirmary clause.
When you need to say "you," make the comment specific, simple, and not the subject of the sentence. These instructions are especially for communication settings that have turned difficult. They work well at other times, also. Try them and let me know if they help your situation. Last Updated (Monday, 05 July 2010 11:43)
Are you ready to put some things together to make some powerfully effective I-statements in your life? It's not always easy to stay in the first person. Especially under pressure, a person is likely to revert to well-worn habits. So here is a practice session. I'm placing in your hands a valuable formula for communicating under pressure.
Under certain circumstances a formula is helpful, when you are first learning a new procedure, when you are under pressure and might omit a segment, or when precision is a must. In communication, using a formula might seem stilted at first. That's why I urge you to practice with the tools I will give you here. It gets easier. When you can use the formula naturally without having to think overmuch about getting it right, then you have achieved a new and freeing level of communication.
Being under pressure in communication includes situations where the other person is likely to respond with defensiveness, or where you have strong feelings about the subject. In either situation it could be helpful to use the formula even if you don't feel quite as naturally comfortable with it as you wish. You learn by using.
So practice, practice, practice!
First, You may download the formula sentence form. Notice the headings.
Second, in the column headed "I feel . . ." choose and write a feeling word from this page.
Third, in the column headed ". . . when you . . ." choose and copy a behavior phrase from this page.
Fourth, in the column headed ". . . and I want . . ." choose and copy a want phrase from this page.
No shortcuts now! I see the wheels in your head turning to put in your own situation words and make them powerful! That's good. However, please fill one page of the form with sentences created by putting the formula pieces together. Have fun with it. Mix and match the sentences to see if and how they make sense. Read them out loud to yourself or to someone else. Laugh together. Please resist the urge to go too quickly to making your own fiery I-statements to use the next time someone crosses your strong feelings.
Let me know how this works for you. In my next posts I will discuss some of the common pitfalls in the this exercise and in attempts to use this formula in real life. Last Updated (Monday, 05 July 2010 11:40)
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My first set of correctives for I-statements under pressure will look at common mistakes in using the I-feel segment of the statement. You'll find the instructions, given previously, for making I-statements under pressure here.
If saying "I feel . . ." feels strange to you, you are not alone. This is new to many people. Practice will make it easier. So keep on writing and trying your statements in safe places.
Here some common mistakes to avoid as you practice I-feel statements.
"I feel that . . ." The red flag here is the "that" after "feel." The insertion of "that" allows you to circumvent altogether the hard work of deciding what it is that you actually feel. It simply creates an added and confusing prefix to the statement you would have used without "I feel." I invite you to use this moment of thinking in I-language to go deep and discover exactly what it is you feel at this moment. Do this often while learning this new communication skill. Then when the moment of pressure arrives, your discovery time will be shorter, and you will have more confidence in the honesty and power of your communication. Don't say "that" after "feel."
"I feel like . . ." Yes, the feeling word from the list must follow immediately after the word "feel." Otherwise you open your statement to include rant or analogy that allows your listener to break concentration on you and your feelings. If your statement pictures either what you think is going on or something this reminds you of that you think is similar, then both you and your listener get sidetacked from your purpose. Your purpose is to insist that both you and your listener must face squarely your feelings. You want to do your best to keep his or her attention riveted on what you really and deeply feel about the issue in order to require his or her understanding and response. Don't say "like" after "feel."
"I feel you . . ." This is a poorly disguised you statement. It let's you circumvent your own required hard work. It distracts attention. Furthermore, it focuses the attention of your listener on something he or she can very easily refute. It invites defensiveness, the other person's effort to explain or argue or intimidate away the issue. Really now, you don't know the other person's feelings. You cannot discover them as you can your own. True, as mother or spouse, you may know that person so well that you can surmise and get it right, but the very form of the statement invites argument and therefore hinders honest communication in the moment of pressure. The only thing not arguable in a moment of pressure is your own feelings. You can know them. It might take practice to learn to access them quickly, but you can discover your own feelings and cite them as irrefutable, irrepressible facts. Don't say "you" after "feel."
Now write some more I-feel statements. If you've filled up one page from the instructions listed here then I invite you to try making up some of your own. Think back to a difficult communication moment from today or recently and create several I-feel statements regarding that issue. Avoid the common pitfalls I discussed here, and look for new posts about pitfalls in the other two parts of the statements.
Let me know how it goes. Last Updated (Monday, 05 July 2010 11:42)
Here are three behaviors that might be standing between you and effective, enjoyable communication.
Interruption and Talkover. One person grew up in a family who interrupted and talked over each other all the time. My friend, a sibling in the family, told me that if someone wasn't verbally responding or expounding while he was still talking about the topic, then he felt unnoticed. The talkover, the more the better, was this family's way of affirming one another. Well, if that's your family, then I say, "Dive in!" However, many families are not that way, so you may need to learn another way of being with others and affirming them in order to win your mate or to present in the board room. One of the things you probably learned in Kindergarten is to take turns. That works best in communication, also. It's alright to talk about interruptions, a nonverbal behavior that likely needs to be brought into verbal status.
Unsolicited Advice. Try asking your partner in communication what he or she wishes from you in the particular communication incident. She may want merely an ear. He may want a wise solution. He may want a spread of options. You give the wrong one, and you halt, at least for a split second, the flow of that person's thought and communication. Even though she might indeed want a wise solution in the end, she may need some moments of plain listening before she's ready for the solution. You jump in too soon and you'll shortchange the gratitude you could have had heaped on you for your "understanding." It's alright to talk about what kind of response is desired and needed in a specific instance.
Questions, Prompts, and Completions. The primary problem with these is that they can be so interruptive that you, and maybe the world, will never know what was on the other person's mind. Habits of communication that lock in on questions, prompts, or completions, either as your usual mode in general or as your usual mode with a certain person or group, can limit others in developing their own thought processes. So try letting a moment of silence hang before you jump in with a question, prompt, or completion. Learn to enjoy silence! After the silence, a question can be turned into an "I wonder..." statement. After a significant silence filled with your focused attention, if a prompt or completion is still needed, it can be done as your own statement, "I thought you might say..."
The purpose in avoiding these behaviors is to keep the channels of communication open and flowing. The more listening communication flows, the sooner you might hear something very important to you. Last Updated (Monday, 07 June 2010 19:41)
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